Hello again my loves. Sorry I have been MIA for a while. The hubby started on night shift and the world has just not been right since. Honestly it sucks. He is working 9-10hr days and by the time he gets home he goes straight to bed then an hour later I am up and going for the day. Between homeschool, ABA, occupational therapy, and the many doctor appointments for the kids then mix in my appointments our days are so busy. By the time the hubs is up, showered and out of the bedroom we are lucky to have 2-3 hours with him before he has to leave for work (an hour and a half before he has to be there because of where we live).
It’s exhausting. All of it. He has put in for a transfer to day shift so we are hopeful it will happen soon. Until then I am just in this chaos. I feel like I am constantly behind. My chores seem to never be done, my to-do list keeps getting longer. It’s my own fault though, I try not to do my usual chores when my husband is here. I try to make sure we all spend time together, but that means I have a ton of chores to do in the evening and by them I am exhausted from therapies and homeschool lessons and kids, so then I only finish part of my list and the rest goes on to the next days list… one step forward and two steps back.
I am trying to read my Bible more, I want to focus on my relationship with God. But I am behind on my Bible lessons again for the 50th time I swear. I feel like I am failing in my walk with God. Then I worry. I feel like I can’t be good enough. I have to admit I am still very young in my relationship with God. Growing up I feared God to an extreme. I felt I could never be good enough long enough to go to heaven. And at times I still feel that way even when I now know it isn’t about being good enough long enough, it’s about being saved. Sometimes I still find myself feeling “how could I be good enough? How could I walk amping those that have gone before me? Saints, people that died for their love of God? And here I am, living in a country where I don’t have to fear for my beliefs, raising kids and yet I’m supposed to believe I can go to heaven?” It isn’t that I don’t believe it, I just feel unworthy sometimes.
So what’s new with you? Are you pondering the hard questions like me lately? I don’t know why I get like this, I blame stress. What about you?