Rough patch

Hello again my loves. Sorry I have been MIA for a while. The hubby started on night shift and the world has just not been right since. Honestly it sucks. He is working 9-10hr days and by the time he gets home he goes straight to bed then an hour later I am up and going for the day. Between homeschool, ABA, occupational therapy, and the many doctor appointments for the kids then mix in my appointments our days are so busy. By the time the hubs is up, showered and out of the bedroom we are lucky to have 2-3 hours with him before he has to leave for work (an hour and a half before he has to be there because of where we live).

It’s exhausting. All of it. He has put in for a transfer to day shift so we are hopeful it will happen soon. Until then I am just in this chaos. I feel like I am constantly behind. My chores seem to never be done, my to-do list keeps getting longer. It’s my own fault though, I try not to do my usual chores when my husband is here. I try to make sure we all spend time together, but that means I have a ton of chores to do in the evening and by them I am exhausted from therapies and homeschool lessons and kids, so then I only finish part of my list and the rest goes on to the next days list… one step forward and two steps back.

I am trying to read my Bible more, I want to focus on my relationship with God. But I am behind on my Bible lessons again for the 50th time I swear. I feel like I am failing in my walk with God. Then I worry. I feel like I can’t be good enough. I have to admit I am still very young in my relationship with God. Growing up I feared God to an extreme. I felt I could never be good enough long enough to go to heaven. And at times I still feel that way even when I now know it isn’t about being good enough long enough, it’s about being saved. Sometimes I still find myself feeling “how could I be good enough? How could I walk amping those that have gone before me? Saints, people that died for their love of God? And here I am, living in a country where I don’t have to fear for my beliefs, raising kids and yet I’m supposed to believe I can go to heaven?” It isn’t that I don’t believe it, I just feel unworthy sometimes.

So what’s new with you? Are you pondering the hard questions like me lately? I don’t know why I get like this, I blame stress. What about you?

Lessons learned

I don’t know if you know this but once you turn nine, you are grown. I didn’t know this but I learned it this week… from my nine year old.

You see my nine year old is going through a “I’m grown and don’t need help” phase. It’s driving me crazy. He doesn’t want help with anything. And I know it’s all a part of growing up but this kid is killing me! For example: yesterday he wanted to help and make some easy Mac for his sister at lunch. Okay, great. He’s done it before. Here is where the problem came in. He doesn’t pay attention to what he is doing all the time. So…… I was changing baby girl and he went to the microwave and opened it to get the macaroni out, then smoke bellowed out and filled the kitchen, and then house. He apparently forgot to add water…

So do you know what happens to easy Mac if you forget to add water? It burns to the point of catching on fire, albeit a small fire, but still a fire. So I ran to the kitchen and grabbed an oven mitt (by this time the fire was out) grabbed the now charred Mac and cheese and threw it outside. I then opened a window and left the front door open, which made the kids mad because they said it was freezing, I preferred to breath.

We learned some valuable lessons,

1. if something catches on fire in the microwave no smoke will escape until you open it…

2. The smoke detector in the house doesn’t work.

3. If you don’t add water to Mac and cheese it will become coal and catch on fire.

4. Charred Mac and cheese smells to high heaven!

So once I realized the smoke detector didn’t work I ordered more for the house. We have hardwired detectors so if one goes off they all go off so everyone in the house knows. So I ordered another set that will be here tomorrow. We had just changed batteries and tested them a couple months ago so I am glad we found out they weren’t working, but what a way to find out!

So what have you learned this week? Something less eventful than us I hope!

Hello 2021

I don’t know about you but I was happy to bid a farewell to 2020. 2020 was a rough year for everyone. With a pandemic and quarantine happening I don’t know many people that will miss 2020 but for us it was more that the pandemic. The quarantine slowed down many processes for us especially with baby girl. She is still waiting on therapies. It was a year of frustration. But I am determined to make 2021 better.

Say you have read before I don’t do the whole “New Year, New Me” crap. Let’s face it it may be a new year but you are still the same you, and that’s Okay! I want 2021 to be a year for growth, acceptance, for learning. I want to learn to love myself, flaws and all. I want to be patient, I want to be loving. I want to accept that I am who I am and learn that I AM good enough.

I want to stop caring about what others think and start making myself happy. Learning that it’s perfectly acceptable to say no to others, it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. Realizing that it’s okay to cut out toxic family or “friends”. If someone only brings you toxicity and pain, you deserve better than that.

2021 isn’t going to magically make me into the person I want to be, but if I work to implement a new way of thinking then maybe it will turn out to be a better year than the last. For the coming month I am focusing on finding a book for me to read, reading my Bible daily (something I have slacked off of I am ashamed to say), and to live in the moment more. That’s it. Then the next month I will work on something else. One day at a time, to make a difference in the coming year, that is my goal. What’s yours?

Dreaming the dream

We started a new journey almost two weeks ago now. Although we have been down this toad before it doesn’t make it any less stressful believe it or not. I wrote about the process here https://chattanoogamoms.com/parenting/autism-isnt-a-bad-word/

It’s been stressful, overwhelming and chaotic to say the least here lately. My hubby started his new job, baby girl got her diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, the dog apparently ate a poisonous plant outside and it damaged his liver, the kids are adjusting to the hubby’s new schedule, and I’m just… here… surviving…

I am liking the new schedule, I feel like I am getting back into the groove of things, back into the routine I was so used to for so long. Getting chores done and keeping little humans alive while not losing my mind. What more could a girl ask for lol. We have decorated for Christmas, and I have forgotten to move the elf on the shelf more times than I have moved it. I told the kids maybe he just enjoys the view sometimes 😂 they shrug.

We are officially down to one week of homeschool before we take a break for Christmas. I think I am looking forward to the break more so than the kids are. Fore those couple of weeks we will have no homeschool and no ABA therapy, no alarms since my hubs will be off work as well and I dare to dream that we will get to sleep in at least one day during that time… but we have 4 kids so I highly doubt that will actually happen, but the dream is still nice!

I have officially given up on baby girl sleeping, we tried weaning, we tried melatonin (it gave her sister bed sleep and night terrors), we tried prescriptions but the girl just doesn’t sleep. So if you see me out I’m not unwell… this is just my new look of exhaustion. But in all seriousness, how long can a person go with little to no sleep? Asking for me…

So I guess you are all caught up on my life. I did manage to wrap the gifts before Christmas Eve for the first time since having kids so that is a huge win in my books! What’s your win lately that made you smile?

Annndddd I’m back… kinda

I haven’t disappeared my loves, it’s just been… well to be honest it’s been rough… 2020 has been rough all the way around, for me personally it has been the year I face what I have been running from for a while now. It seems if it can go wrong here lately it does.

We ordered the 3 of the kids new beds back in August. We received one. That’s right only one… the other 2 have been pushed back over and over again. The most recent delivery date was this past Thursday… nope, still no sign of them, so I have to call about that today, again. I will just be happy to get them at this point. I already asked for a refund but they refused.

Recently the water in the refrigerator door started running a little longer than you held the button down for. No problem, the button is probably just sticking, right? My husband took it apart to clean it but it didn’t help and soon the water wasn’t dispensing at all… so we called the warranty company and they sent out a repairman. He was quite rude, and Ollie (our dog) didn’t like him one bit!

He said he had to order parts and a week later he was back. He worked for almost 45 minutes then we hear water. A good sign? You would think so, but no, it wouldn’t stop spraying. So the floor was soaked and the repair man was annoyed. He called a colleague and then within 15 minutes he comes into the living room where we were sitting and tells us that our refrigerator is on its last leg and they will have to put in for a replacement.

Now this would seem like good news that they were going to replace it but it was only 2 years old and I didn’t expect it to croak on us this soon. Apparently our refrigerator had a manufacture defect. So he says that customer service will be with us in 3 days and they will take care of all of it. So we waited and hoped that the fridge didn’t die.

So 6 days later I called customer service because they hadn’t called us. They say he had just put in the paperwork and they would contact me in a few days, I was annoyed. So we waited and finally get told to go to the local store and show my license and they would take care of it. So we did. We got my parents to babysit and we went to the store expecting to be in and out with a scheduled delivery. But it’s 2020, it’s not that easy.

We get to the store and they pull up everything. They tell us we need to go look at the refrigerators and pick one out. They then tell us how much they are giving us in credit… less than what we paid. So we finally find one and (have to put money with it) and they let us know it’s on back order and won’t be delivered until after Christmas… great… but then they drop the next bombshell on us… when we bought the extended warranty with the first refrigerator we asked 10,000 questions. We were told if they had to repair or replace it we would still have the remainder of the warranty. So since we paid for a 5 year warranty and had issues at 2 years we would still have 3 years remaining on the warranty. They were not going to do that now. If we wanted a warranty then we would have to shell out another $500 for one.

So we didn’t get the warranty. We spent over 3 hours there. I left with a horrible headache and glad to be done. Now we wait and hope the refrigerator lasts till after Christmas.

It doesn’t help matters that I am dealing with health issues. I see a specialist in January and hopefully it will help. I’m so tired of being in pain. I feel like my body is a prison here lately. I’m just ready for a new year that is hopefully a brighter one. How are you dealing with things? Hopefully better than I am!

But because I am trying to look on the positive side here is a list of good things that have happened

1. L is finally potty trained!

2. Baby girl has started putting 2 words together randomly, which is huge!

3. Hubby starts his new job Monday!

4. My new blog post for Chattanoogamoms was posted here https://chattanoogamoms.com/xmotherhood/personal-growth/2020-something-to-be-thankful-for/

Motherhood shouldn’t be lonely

Today was a rough day.

This past week has been a rough week.

This past month was a rough month.

This past year has been a rough year.

Mom guilt is strong especially in these times. What if I would have done this? What if I would have changed that? What if I would have noticed sooner? It sucks. There is simply no better way to say it. It royally sucks.

Sometimes being a mom is lonely. Maybe not for everyone, maybe it’s just me, but man does it feel lonely lately. I’m jealous. I see these other moms with their “mom tribe”, their friends, their ride or die. I want that. I want friends I can call up and meet up with and enjoy time together. Don’t get me wrong, I have my mom (she is seriously my best friend and I love her to death) but sometimes she doesn’t feel up to getting out and running around with my crazy butt or she can’t. When did I lose my friendships?

I am the person that always wanted a truly close friendship, the kind you see on tv or read about in books. I was the one that desperately wanted to fit in so that people would like me. Yet I was also the one that just didn’t quite “fit in”. I wasn’t an outcast, far from it, I knew pretty much everyone, but I couldn’t really call any of them my “group”. It was like trying to cut a puzzle piece to fit into a premade hole, it might squeeze in but it doesn’t complete the picture. Many of the friend groups I tried to fit in to were groups that had been together practically since birth… and I was just not one of them. Maybe Disney lied and the friendships we grew up seeing in the shows and movies are just that, made up. But I want to believe that friendships like Lucy and Ethel, Rachel and Monica, heck Cory and Shawn are real!

Sometimes you are so busy being a mom, putting out the metaphorical fires, that you don’t even realize how lonely you are. Then a rough day or week or month or in this case year comes along and you are left in the ashes of defeat looking around wondering how you ended up alone. It sucks.

So is it just me? Why are friendships so dang hard? Maybe it’s just been a rough few months and I’m exhausted, but I just thought it would be different somehow. so that’s how my nights going… how’s yours?

Dropping in…

Fall weather is here and I am loving it! I absolutely love fall, and usually we have like a week of fall like weather mixed in with summer like days over the span of 3 months then we get winter. But y’all it feels like fall outside and it has for over seven days in a row! this is unheard of!

The hubs is at an interview, the place is over 45 min from home but it’s work in his field and is supposed to be great benefits, and a great job. I told my husband this would be a good time to move. He shot that down pretty fast. But if he gets the job and really likes it we may reconsider it later on… even though we just got our pool and have done a lot of updates to the house who knows, maybe we could get something even better in another city.

Since he had his interview today that meant I had the house to myself… well and the four kids… but I was here without my husband for the first time in months. I took a shower, fixed my hair, made brownies, folded and hung up two loads of laundry, washed the dogs bedding, played the Adele station on Pandora and just enjoyed myself. Don’t get me wrong… I absolutely love my husband and i have really enjoyed having him around more lately… but it was so nice to just do my thing the way I am so used to doing it from when he worked outside of the house. The kids have been playing. It’s been nice.

I am anxiously waiting to hear how his interview went. I am still renovating and refinishing furniture and I love it. My husband says I should set up a website, I don’t know so much about that but I love putting all the small details into a project, I feel like that’s what gives it character. I have so much to say but the words are still jumbled up in my head. So I’m sure I will make a more organized post later this week. I just wanted to hop on and see how are y’all? Is the fall weather hitting where you are yet? Coming up in the next week or two will be SMO (ankle braces) update on baby girl, homeschool update on the 3 older kiddos, fall activities, and more catching up. ❤️ see you soon

It’s been a long week…

Y’all… I have lost my mind. It is gone. Nowhere to be found. The children took what little bit of brain I had left and now I am a hollow being. Let me explain…

My baby girl has been on sleep strike. So I am lucky to get a couple of hours of sleep a nights here lately. Then when you pair that with the fact that I am trying to keep up with 5000 appointments, 4 kids medications (yay allergy season), all the house work, teach the kids and still renovate furniture to say that I am exhausted would be an understatement. I feel like I am doing role call just to get the attention of the one child I actually needed to.

This week has been extra rough due to my husband losing his job (thanks to covid) and I started a project on Saturday that turned into a crazy and epic failure due to using a new paint… (this is why I do not like new things) so I will be starting the project back at square one once my good paint comes on the 12th. All this said just to lead to my epic blonde moment…

I was working on an article for the local mom blog that I am a part of (I will post a link once it posts). This is where I apparently lost my brain. I had completed the article and chosen the featured picture… then I got an message from the editor asking if I had a landscape pic I could use. So although I thought it was odd they would want a nature picture when the article was definitely not about nature I sent them some pics I had on roll to approve. Then they said the picture I have was fine but if I had the photo changed to landscape it would work better. Y’all when I say I about died I swear I wanted to climb under the desk I was sitting at and die of laughter right then and there!

Once I composed myself enough to message her back I let her know I could not stop laughing at the fact that I somehow believed she was talking about landscape (nature) pictures and not landscape (position) pictures 🤦‍♀️. It’s been a long week… in other news, I have added some social media links to the blog! I’m thinking of making a Facebook page, anyone interested?

Sickness and excitement

Make sure you read to the end to finally see what my exciting news is! But first let’s catch up! Well, we had a COVID scare. Yep, I figured I would just jump right in. It sucked. Last weekend the boys started to get a little under the weather and developed horrible coughs. Then the girls started with the same symptoms. By Monday we knew we needed to go to the doctor for them but I thought it was probably croup.

We went to the doctor and of course due to the kids symptoms we had to wait and be seen outside in tents that they have set up. (Having 4 sick kids cooped up in the car waiting to be seen in a tent isn’t fun, or even half way tolerable) Everyone had temps, the boys were coughing deep coughs, the girls had sore throats, and stuffy noses. To say the kids were miserable would be an understatement. The doctor came and saw them, My big girl ended up having just the cold that everyone else had but it didn’t develop into anything worse thankfully. Baby girl ended up with a pretty bad ear infection. My big boy had a concerning cough and with his immune system the way it is, they decided to do a COVID test on him. And then there was my baby boy, (he says he is too big to be my baby boy now but even at 4 I tell him there is no such thing a too big for mommy) bless his heart he had croup, a sinus infection and an ear infection. So we picked up antibiotics for 3/4 and we settled in at home for quarantine.

We had to be in quarantine until the results came back. I wasn’t worried at first. I figured it was bronchitis (he is known for getting bronchitis around this time every year) so I figured it was just time for it. But then my husband became sick on Tuesday. And by Wednesday I was sick. My husband bounced right back but IT TOOK ME OUT! And I do not say that lightly. My entire face hurt so bad I couldn’t stand it. My jaw hurt to move. My chest felt like I had an elephant sitting on it. My throat was raw and it hurt to swallow, but I never ran a temp. Walking from the bed to the bathroom had me panting like I ran a marathon. I coughed so deep that I was convinced I had an out of body experience. It was horrible, Thursday was worse than Wednesday. I’m not one to lay in bed when sick, I’m usually the one that will still insist on running the entire house, doing laundry and cleaning on my deathbed… but not with this. With this I just wanted… no… needed sleep.

Thursday my mom started showing symptoms. And by Saturday my nephew. By Sunday I was feeling better, not back to normal but better than I was. Today I was up and teaching (even though my voice comes and goes still) and I am feeling much better although my head still hurts every evening and everyone still has a cough. By Wednesday last week (the day I became ill) the kids were feeling better. So it was short lived for them. My husband thinks it hit me hard due to my asthma. I’m not really sure what it was, but I know I never want to have it again and wouldn’t wish it on anyone! The kicker… we finally got the results back… they were negative. My big boy had bronchitis… like we thought… Which is good! But dang if that wasn’t Covid, I am terrified to get it.

So we are getting a little stricter about things in the house again. Not getting out as often. Just being a little more careful. My big boy just now came off of breathing treatments (a little over a week after getting sick) so it just snapped us back to reality of how things affect him.

Now for the exciting news…(I swear I meant to post this sooner but… life and sickness happened)I have been asked to be a contributor for a local mom blog! I was thrilled to have been chosen! I can not wait for my first blog post, I will be able to share with my followers so that will be really cool to get to continue my writing and contribute to the ChattanoogaMoms. You should check them out! You will finally get to put a face to me… here’s a hint as of right now I am the last contributor at the link https://chattanoogamoms.com/meet-the-contributors/

Remembering

I can’t believe it’s been two years since we lost you. it seems like just yesterday and yet an eternity all at once.

Two years is so long to miss someone but when I think back it also has flown by in other ways. Baby girl is almost two and oh my gosh would you love her. She has this grin that would have melted your heart and there is no doubt you would be wrapped around her little finger like everyone else.

You would be so proud of who your son has become and you would be surprised at what all he accomplished in the last two years. Losing you left a giant hole in him, I can see in his eyes how much he misses you some days but he is so strong. He always has been, but losing you made him realize it.

The older three kiddos would amaze you. L is so smart, you always said he was but goodness he would really make you laugh now with his inquisitive questions and matter of fact way of talking. S has lost all of her baby fat and is 7 now. She is into Barbie and Jojo. She is a little mother hen to the others and it drives the boys crazy. N is getting so big. He looks like a stretched out version of his younger self lol. He hasn’t changed at all. He is so laid back and so much like his dad and you that it’s crazy.

Then there’s me. I’m still the same ol’ me but I am different. I miss you. I still have your phone number saved in my phone, I can’t seem to bring myself to delete it. So often I think for a spilt second “oh if big daddy could see” when the kids do something. They still talk about you, mainly the older two, but we encourage them to remember. The memory that plays back in my head the most is the last thanksgiving we spent together. It was hectic and crazy and… perfect. Every year I long for that thanksgiving. I know you are better off now. You are healed and whole. But we miss you something fierce.

I know you aren’t reading this, but it doesn’t feel right to let today pass without acknowledging that I remember. We still can’t really talk about it as a family, still too fresh, the pain still too new, but we love you, and we remember you, each in our own way. I still remember every word of that last heart to heart we had. And oh how I thank you for it. Cancer sucks.